December 1773: Boston, Massachusetts Colony
Authorities are left shocked and appalled by the egregious act of political violence undertaken last month. A rabble of violent thugs burst onto Griffin’s Wharf in Boston Harbor on the night of December 16th. Dressed in ridiculous garb, they boarded several docks ships, and dumped approximately 342 chests of imported tea into the harbor.
A British East Indian Company spokesman J. Dimon said: “I strongly condemn the violence in Boston. This is not who we are as a people or a county. We are better than this. Our leaders have a responsibility to call for an end to the violence, accept that His Majesty is king, and, as our nation has for hundreds of years, support the monarchy. Now is the time to come together to strengthen our exceptional union.”
Boston Authorities report that, save for the destruction of the tea, no other property was damaged or looted during the riot. One participant, under the promise of anonymity, stated: “We then were ordered by our commander to open the hatches and take out all the chests of tea and throw them overboard, and we immediately proceeded to execute his orders, first cutting and splitting the chests with our tomahawks, so as thoroughly to expose them to the effect of the water.” He further explained: “We were surrounded by British armed ships, but no attempt was made to resist us.”
Only one culprit has been identified, Francis Akeley. He was arrested and is now imprisoned. However, due to the costumes worn by the thugs, who were appropriating Native American garb, authorities are not able to identify any more of the culprits. However, British authorities believe that these violent thugs belong to a vicious, white-supremacist terrorist cell known as The Sons of Liberty.
Samuel Adams, founder of the Sons of Liberty, could not be reached for comment.
Well known troll and suspected terrorist, John Adams, cousin to Samuel Adams, responded to this writer’s inquires, writing: “There is a Dignity, a Majesty, a Sublimity, in this the last Effort of the Patriots, that I greatly admire.”
He further stated: “What measures will the ministry take in consequence of this? Will they punish us? How? By quartering troops upon us?—by annulling our Charter? By laying on more duties? By restraining our Trade?”
Mr. Adams’ words are prescient, as it is the intention of His Majesty to close Boston Harbor until the destroyed tea has been paid for; he will also null the Massachusetts Constitution and end free elections; he has removed judicial authority to Britain; will now require the colonists to quarter troops in their homes; and, oddly enough, with a nod to his Canadian subject, will extend the freedom of Catholic worship.
No doubt these Coercive Acts will have a soothing effect so that this poor and tired nation may return to normalcy. For surely, the wicked thugs and hooligans who committed these petty acts of political violence will be captured and punished. Once his Majesty’s justice has been done any who may have designs to join them will think twice before continuing this ridiculous rebellion.
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